12 Different Ways I am Your Dad, the Clown
Dear M & M,
There are millions of different ways to be a Dad, and I thought long and hard when I knew each of you were coming. Just like preparing for a new job, I did my research, prepared my resume, got a fresh haircut, and tried my best to be serious. My plan was to be called Dad, and never use baby talk. I would be strict and a man's man, showing Marshall a role model, and then Maggie an example of a real man. These were all good thoughts, but after a few hours within meeting you both, the plan was destroyed when I found myself making cross eyes and fart sounds with my mouth.
You are both a very demanding audience. I am always trying to teach you important things, such as where the trash actually goes, and to not turn a cup upside down that has a straw in it. Unfortunately, you both appear to have already made up your mind that this is not my job. When I try serious talk, you guys give me a face that appears to say, "Shut up and make us laugh Clown!". Eventually I give up, and am right back to dancing like a monkey, and more fart sounds.
Just to name a few situations I have been in, as a result from trying to make you guys 1) Not cry, and 2) Laugh:
- Head stuck in youth sized football helmet
- Singing the chorus to "Tarzan Boy" in a quiet room with strangers
- Blowing fart noises on your stomach, back, and legs. (This has lead to me having poop in my nose)
- Yelling "Goo Gib Gab Goob Gib Gab Goob" while waving my arms like a mad man
- Poking you in the stomach, while judgy strangers stare
- Letting you smack me in the face, while judgy strangers stare
- Smearing baby food on my face, which in turn leads to you spreading baby food on my face and in my hair
- Literally punching myself in the face. This started as a temper-tantrum for me, ended with a show for you that keeps re-occurring
- Becoming a taxi that you ride around the house
- Running super low to the ground while you are on small baby-sized vehicles, stopping, turning, and spinning on a dime
- Doing push-ups with you on my back, although I guess that's a good thing, so thanks.
- Finally, I have had a headache on and off for the entirety of your lives, because you both love it when I shake my head side to side as fast as I can, until my cheeks are making noises.
Before becoming a Dad, I may have found these situations too embarrassing to do, much less in public. However, your smiles are like crack to me, and I can't get enough. On top of that, your cries are the most embarrassing thing to me. Your mom calls my reaction to crying "stressing out" or "freaking out", but I only act this way because I genuinely can't stand it. You both start with small, warning cries, which is like a countdown starting at 20 on a ticking time bomb, and I have to run in and diffuse it to save the life of everyone within a 5 mile radius. That is how I act when it is just us at home. If you start to cry in public, I will go full blown with every crazy sound, dance, and hitting myself until it stops. Everyone you meet likes to see you smile and laugh, and I am no different.
To be honest, I have no shortage of routines to make you 2 laugh. It is like doing a stand up comedy routine, and the audience is a bunch of, well, babies. If my routine doesn't work, I just keep repeating it, or move on to the next thing until I hear laughing. That is why the list of things I can do to make you laugh, is so long. Your Mom gets in on the fun too, and we constantly accuse each other of stealing things from each other that have made you laugh. To be honest, if she does something funny, I do steal it, but she does it to me too.
I have many things to teach and show you. I am always nervous that I am screwing something up, or I have more I need to learn first. I promise it won't be perfect, but I will wear all the hats you need me to, and give it 100%. I am not going to be the all-wise, serious Dad. I think we both know that when you are grown and with your own kids, and you think back to your Dad, I will always be the guy who tried to get laughs by any means possible. There is a lot for me to do for you along the way, but ultimately, I will always be your one and only Dad, the Clown.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Dad
There are millions of different ways to be a Dad, and I thought long and hard when I knew each of you were coming. Just like preparing for a new job, I did my research, prepared my resume, got a fresh haircut, and tried my best to be serious. My plan was to be called Dad, and never use baby talk. I would be strict and a man's man, showing Marshall a role model, and then Maggie an example of a real man. These were all good thoughts, but after a few hours within meeting you both, the plan was destroyed when I found myself making cross eyes and fart sounds with my mouth.
- Head stuck in youth sized football helmet
- Singing the chorus to "Tarzan Boy" in a quiet room with strangers
- Blowing fart noises on your stomach, back, and legs. (This has lead to me having poop in my nose)
- Yelling "Goo Gib Gab Goob Gib Gab Goob" while waving my arms like a mad man
- Poking you in the stomach, while judgy strangers stare
- Letting you smack me in the face, while judgy strangers stare
- Smearing baby food on my face, which in turn leads to you spreading baby food on my face and in my hair
- Literally punching myself in the face. This started as a temper-tantrum for me, ended with a show for you that keeps re-occurring
- Becoming a taxi that you ride around the house
- Running super low to the ground while you are on small baby-sized vehicles, stopping, turning, and spinning on a dime
- Doing push-ups with you on my back, although I guess that's a good thing, so thanks.
- Finally, I have had a headache on and off for the entirety of your lives, because you both love it when I shake my head side to side as fast as I can, until my cheeks are making noises.
To be honest, I have no shortage of routines to make you 2 laugh. It is like doing a stand up comedy routine, and the audience is a bunch of, well, babies. If my routine doesn't work, I just keep repeating it, or move on to the next thing until I hear laughing. That is why the list of things I can do to make you laugh, is so long. Your Mom gets in on the fun too, and we constantly accuse each other of stealing things from each other that have made you laugh. To be honest, if she does something funny, I do steal it, but she does it to me too.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Dad
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