The Dummies Dadvice for Pregnancy

Dear Little Guy,

 As soon as people hear that you are having a baby, they will drop so much advice on you, that it feels like you and 10 guys were carrying a safe full of bricks, and they all decided to let go. Since you will hear a lot of generic advice from everyone, I will give you the real deal, the inside scoop on how this thing works. And you can trust that my advice is good, because I am wrapping up an eventful 2 straight years of pregnancy.

In all honesty, watching your, and your wife's, baby grow, is a crazy, awesome, and sometimes weird, journey. It seems like it takes forever, and at the same time goes by so fast, it feels like a roller coaster that blows your face back and never lets your stomach catch up. When your Mom was pregnant with Marshall, I moved to New York for a couple of the early months, so time drug on, and then when I saw her, she had a new shape on her belly. It was just a little bump, but to us, it may as well have been Mount Everest. We were together the entire pregnancy for your sister, and yet, it still snuck up.

Once it starts, your baby will continue to grow rapidly, like a snowball rolling down a hill and growing as it picks up everything in sight. At first, you will just talk, sing, and blow raspberrys on your wife's stomach, and it may be kind of weird because you are just doing these things on your wife's stomach. After a while, your mind will be blown when you feel a bump from the other side. At first there was nothing, and then all of a sudden there is this little thudding machine you can't get enough of!

Eventually, your baby will get stuck. I felt bad for you and your sister when this happened. I could see the belly roll and move from the outside. You were in there flipping around and playing soccer, and suddenly you were pressed into the side of the stomach, like Han Solo in that metal box. Up to that point you and I were like a couple of buddies in neighboring apartments that could communicate by beating on the wall. But once you outgrew your apartment, it was time for you to be evicted.

It is all fun and games, just hanging out and watching this baby grow from a distance. You may even forget that your baby is growing inside of the belly of the wife you love, like in the movie Alien. While she too will enjoy the baby growing, she has a few side effects. As mentioned above, you will need to keep snacks on hand of many different variety. You do not need the variety to be available at all times, but just long enough to figure out which snack you need. Once you know, just keep feeding the machine (2 years ago, I should have bought stock in Reeses, pickles, and Dairy Queen). While you may also enjoy these foods, beware that you will also be giving up a few other items, like soda and alcohol. You may try to drink these, if you are comfortable being the only one who is allowed to in the house, while your poor wife sacrifices so much for your baby. (Keep repeating this as needed when the people at the table next to you enjoy their ice cold beers with their meals).

Just always remember that you love your wife, and she is still in there. I like to think of it in terms of your wife and your baby have formed this superperson (SP). Once the baby separates from the Mom, you get the woman you love, and a baby you love. While they are together, they form this SP that may accidentally fart loud enough to echo in a Hospital cafeteria in Cooperstown. This SP will need to pee as often as you blink your eyes. Do not be alarmed when they sleep for 14 hours, and then take a 2 hour nap every hour, or when new and interesting pains pop up all over her body. This is normal. Finally, invest in some good sweaters, and don't worry about food spoiling in your house during the pregnancy, because the SP is going to always run roughly 400 degrees, so your house will always be kept ice cold to adjust.

This SP will also be somewhat up and down. Sometimes they are happy, so she will cry (even when you are just riding in the car, listening to the radio), and sometimes they will be sad, so she will cry (even when you are still riding in the car, listening to the radio). Just ride it out, and try to be supportive and say the right thing. Actually, that may make it worse, so say nothing. Although, if you say nothing, she will get more upset because you don't care. So to sum it up, I guess there is nothing you can do. Just try to smile and do what feels right.

I hope this gives you a nice crash course on dealing with the 9 month journey that passes some of the most beautiful sights you will ever see, but also some stormy seas. Be cautious, love every minute of it, talk to that belly often, get whatever Mom needs, and get ready for the end of the journey, because the next one isn't any less exciting.

Thanks for reading, and good luck.

Love,
Dad