7 Lessons From My First Week with Two Kids

Dear M&M,

As I write this letter, I feel similar to the way Lewis & Clark must have felt when they finally made it to the beaches in Cali: A long journey is behind me, I am trying to remember when I though this trip would be a nice easy idea, a beautiful godsend of a woman kept me from getting lost or killed, and I am in need of a drink. Also like them, I know that the journey is far from over, but at least I can take a breather before I turn and start back through the wilderness. Before we go any further, let me share 7 things I have learned in my first week as a Dad of 2.

1. There is no longer such a thing as being fully prepared, for any situation. I have never been great at thinking ahead anyway, so this is especially problematic. Whenever there was only 1 kid, I still got caught not being prepared enough. Once, I entered a bathroom with Marshall equipped with what I thought was a full diaper bag, and an extra outfit. We left the bathroom with him in only a diaper, no more wipes, no more clothes, no socks, and the bathroom was in need of an industrial cleaning. I tried to learn from this experience and be more prepared, but now that there are 2 of you, I am over-matched.

It does not matter how many toys I bring to pacify you on car rides, because you already seem to want the only one you can't have, which is the one the other trouble-maker in the backseat has. I can't bring pallets of snacks everywhere we go, but I have come to realize that that is what it will take to keep you 2 satisfied. I need to hire those people who drop pallets of food in Africa to follow us on our trips out of the house and provide the same service. Finally, it does not matter how nicely I lay everything out before changing a diaper, because the other trouble maker will reach and grab whatever they can reach. Next thing I know, Marshall has Maggie's dirty diaper and is off and running, and Maggie is working on dying my shirt yellow.

2. Croup turns any kid right back into a newborn. Marshall had croup all week, which consisted of constant coughing and a really tough time breathing. Therefore, through our first week with 2 of you, we basically had 2 newborns, like twins. Just as Marshall was starting to go to sleep without even having to be rocked and eat on his own, croup turned him back into a needy, whiny, helpless, miserable little guy who slept like a baby. Which is to say he woke up every 2 hours. Croup also forced us to be in isolation for the week, so your Mom took Maggie, and I had Marshall, and we were quarantined to different areas of the house. Unfortunately, my area of the house did not have an adult-sized bed, so I was confined to a hard slab, similar to a prisoner in a jailcell.

3.  There will be no gender mystery for you two. I was the oldest of 3 brothers. Barbie dolls were the place for me to learn the anatomy of girls. I saw plenty of boy diaper changes, but never a girl. You 2 won't have that mystery, because if the 1st week is any indication, the sound of those diaper tabs  getting ripped is like a Bat-Signal calling you to come watch what Mom or Dad is doing. Yes, a boy and a girl makes for a great combo of kids, but I never considered all of the implications.

4. Despite popular logic, 2 kids is not easier than 1, because they DO NOT, in fact, watch each other and make life easier. I would even make the argument that 2 kids is more difficult than 1. Bringing in a second kid has actually had the opposite of the desired effect, and you two are encouraging worse behavior when you are together. Skills are being unlearned. Messes are already larger. I feel like my logic was solid with you two watching each other.

5. I now rank 4th in my household, and sometimes 5th if the dog is feeling needy. This includes, but is not limited too: What types of food I will be eating, How much food I will be eating, What time I go to bed, What time I get up, How much of the blankets I get at night, What we watch on TV, What we listen to on the radio, How long we stay at places, How long my phone calls are, and How long I get in the bathroom.

6. I can now move at speeds I once thought humanly impossible. There is no longer such a thing as taking my time, or trying to reason with you 2 before getting off my butt. If I take my time, doors get opened, dangerous chemicals get eaten, and babies get hurt. This also applies to night time. If I do not act quickly once one of you start crying, then the "domino cry" begins. Marshall crying leads to Maggie crying, and vise versa. We have doubled the amount of kids in my life, but I move 100 times faster. The math makes no sense.

I sprint everywhere like I am Usain Bolt. Any furniture, toys, other small children, or even elderly adults are no longer safe if I have to get to one of you. I could probably play in the NFL if one of you were the ball, and something bad was about to happen.

7. If this first week is any indication, things will never be the same, and I could not feel more Love or Pride. (again)  This is the type of Love and Pride that I get reminded of in every song I hear, and also causes me to constantly hug you. As we wrap up this first leg of our journey together, I am glad that we could impart so much wisdom on each other. It is going to take us a long time to figure this thing out, but we will get there, and we may even get more sleep too. 


Thanks for reading.

Love,
Dad